...that will obliterate anthrax once and for all.
Hey, you can't park that animal over there!
It's illegal.
Think of it, gentlemen. Hoof-and- mouth disease a thing of the past!
Never mind that shit, here comes Mongo!
I don't know what it is.
Sheriff, Mongo's back! He's breaking up the whole town!
You've got to help us, please!
Did you hear that? Now it's "please. "
This morning I couldn't get the time of day. Who is this Mongo, anyway?
Well, Mongo ain't exactly a "who. " He's more of a "what. "
What he said.
Well, I don't know...
Oh, thank you very much!
The fool's going to...
I mean, the sheriff's going to do it.
No, no, don't do that! If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad.
Candygram for Mongo!
Me, Mongo.
Sign, please.
Mongo like candy.
A little further down, to the right.
I thought sure that Mongo would mash him up...
...into little bitty sheriff meatballs.
I just don't understand it.
Be still, Taggart.
My mind is a raging torrent...
...flooded with rivulets of thought...
...cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
Gol darn it, Mr. Lamarr...
...you use your tongue prettier than a $20 whore.
Wait a minute, that's it!
And it will work!
You bet it will! What will work?
Elementary, cactus-head!
The beast has failed.
And when the beast fails, it's time to call in beauty.
Beauty?
She's never failed me before. She'll turn him into jelly!
She'll bring him to his knees!
Where's my froggie? Where's my froggie?
I don't know. I didn't see it when I came in.
Damn your eyes, look for it!
Oh, there it is.
That was a close one! Daddy loves Froggie. Froggie love Daddy?
I don't know how you did it.
He was nothing.
The bitch was inventing the candygram.
They probably won't give me credit for it.
Good evening, sheriff.
Sorry about the "Up yours, nigger. "
I hope this apple pie will in some small way say thank you for your...
...ingenuity and courage in defeating that horrible Mongo.
Thank you. Much obliged. Good night.
Of course, you'll have the good taste not to mention that I spoke to you.
I'm rapidly becoming a big underground success in this town.
See, in another 25 years you'll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight.
Well, I'm not going to hold my breath for it.
Come on, I don't want to be late. Lili von Shtupp is opening tonight.
Lili von who?
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome. Come on in.
It's Hedley. For you, my dear.
Oh, how ordinary.
Oh, Lili, Lili, Lili, legs, Lili, Lili!
I can't find the words to truly express my joy...
...at the rekindling of our association.
Bullshit, what's the job?
I love it when you talk dirty.
Come on, Lamarr, let's get down to bwass tacks.
What do you want me to do?
I want you to seduce and abandon the sheriff of Rock Ridge.
You think you can do it?
Is Bismark a hewwing?
Oh, Lili, you're magnificent! Kiss me!
And now, folks, the gal you've all been waiting for...
...the Bavarian Bombshell herself! Let's hear it for Lili von Shtupp!
"Here I stand, the goddess of desire...
"... set men on fire. I have this power.
"Morning, noon and night, it's drink and dancing...
"... some quick romancing, and then a shower.
"Stage door Johnnies constantly surround me...
"... they always hound me with one request.
"Who can satisfy their lustful habit?
"I'm not a rabbit. I need some rest.
"I'm tired...
"... sick and tired of love...
"I've had my fill of love...
"... from below and above.
"Tired, tired of being admired...
"... tired of love uninspired.
"Let's face it, I'm tired.
"I've been with thousands of men again and again.
"They promise the moon.
"They're always coming and going and going and coming...
"... and always too soon. "
Right, girls?
"I'm tired. Tired of playing the game.
"Ain't it a crying shame?
"I'm so tired. "
Goddamn it, I'm exhausted!
Hello, cowboy, what's your name?
"Tex ma'am"? Tell me, Tex ma'am...
...are you in show business?
Nope.
Well, then, why don't you get your friggin' feet off the stage?
Hello, handsome. Is that a 10-gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?
Oh, Miss Lili, oh, my lovely lady!
"Tired of playing the game.
"Ain't it a crying shame...
"... I'm so tired.
"She's tired.
"Sick and tired of love. Give her a break.
"She's had her fill of love. She's not a snake!
"From below and above. Can't you see she's sick?
"She's bushed.
"Tired of being admired. Let her alone.
"Tired of love uninspired.
"Don't you know she's pooped?
"I've been with thousands of men again and again.
"They sing the same tune!
"They start with Byron and Shelley...
"... then jump on your belly, and bust your balloon.
"Tired of playing the game.
"Ain't it a friggin' shame?
"I'm so... "
Let's face it. Everything below the waist is kaput!
What does it say?
"I must see you alone in my dwessing woom right after the show. "
Wie gehts, meine schatzie?
Faw out!
A wed wose. How womantic!
Have a seat, shewiff.
Won't you excuse me for a moment...
...while I slip into something a little bit more comfortable?
Bitte, baby.
Why don't you loosen your bullets?
Ahh, I feel wefweshed!
Isn't it bwight in here?
There! Isn't that better?
Pardon me, I'll be back in a moment.
How is it going?
He's like wet sauerkraut in my hands. By morning he will be my slave.
Splendid.
Oh, just let me have a little feel.
Where were we? Where are you?
Let me sit down next to you.
Tell me, schatzie...
...is it, ah, twu what they say about the way you people are gifted?
Oh, it's twu, it's twu!
Vill you care for another schnitzengruben?
No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.
Well, then, how about a little...?
Baby, please, I am not from Havana.
Excuse me, honey...
...besides, I'm late for work. I've got some heavy chores to do.
Vill I, vill I see you later?
That all depends on how much Vitamin E I can get my hands on.
Nein, nein, achtung!
No, no, you mustn't go! I need you!
I never met nobody like you! I can't live without you!
Please, you're making a German spectacle of yourself.
Auf wiedersehen, baby.
Oh, what a nice guy.
Oh, deary, dear. Look what the cat dragged in.
What's happening in the clean world?
Bad news.
I've got a writ here for Mongo's release signed by Hedley Lamarr himself.
Why would a dude like Hedley Lamarr care about Mongo?
It's legal.
Oh, those schnitzengrubens can wipe you out!
Wake up time!
Okay, Mongo. You're free to go.
Mongo no go.
Oh, come on, Mongo. You're a free man.
Mongo stay with Sheriff Bart. Sheriff first man ever whip Mongo.
Mongo impressed, have deep feelings for Sheriff Bart.
Oh, you better watch out, big fella.
I think Mongo's taken a little fancy to you.
Mongo straight.
Maybe you know why a high-roller...
...like Hedley Lamarr is interested in Rock Ridge.
Don't know. Got to do with where choo-choo go.
Mongo, why would Hedley Lamarr care about where the choo-choo goes?
Don't know.
Mongo only pawn in game of life.
I think this might be a good time to mosey out...
...to where they're building the railroad...
...and maybe do a little snooping.
Damn, damn, damn!
Hey, how are you doing Bart? Get down off that horse!
Oh, you shifty nigger! They said you were hung!
And they were right!
Look at that star, hoo-ee! Civil service!
Wait. Back off, scamp.
You are addressing the duly appointed sheriff of Rock Ridge.
Rock Ridge? Hey, the railroad is going through there!
Back up off your brother! Don't mess up your brother!
Holy mother of pearl!
It's that nigger that hit me on the head with the shovel!
Now what the hell do you think you're doing with that tin star, boy?
Watch that "boy" shit, redneck! You're talking to the sheriff of Rock Ridge.
Well, now if that don't beat all!
Here we take the good time and trouble...
...to slaughter every last Indian in the West, and for what?
So they can appoint a sheriff that's blacker than any Indian!
I am depressed.
Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this.
What if me and the boys were to shoot that nigger dead?
Would that pep you up some?
Well, it might help.
All right, boys. On the count of three.
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Don't pay no attention to that alky.
He can't even hold a gun, much less shoot it.
Like I said. On the count of three.
One...
...two...
...three!
Well, just don't sit there looking stupid, grasping your hands in pain.
How about a little applause for the Waco Kid?
All right, I'm through being Mr. Goodbar!
The time has come to act and act quickly!
All my plans have backfired!
Instead of the people leaving, they're staying in droves!
Vhy don't you admit it? He's too much of man for you. I know.
You going to need an army to beat him!
You're finished.
Fertig! Fahrblunged! Fahrcocked!
Shut up! You Teutonic twat!
I must think.
Wait a minute. She said army. Of course!
An army of the worst dregs ever to soil the face of the West!
I've decided to launch an attack that will reduce Rock Ridge to ashes!
What do you want me to do, sir?
I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the West.
Take this down.
I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters...
...desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, half-wits, dimwits...
...vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits...
...muggers, buggerers, bushwackers, hornswagglers...
...horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers...
...shit kickers and Methodists!
Could you repeat that, sir?
Where's everybody going?
Read this.
Well, can't you see that's the last act of a desperate man?
We don't care if it's the First Act of Henry the Fifth! We're leaving!
Now, wait a minute! Wait just one doggoned minute!
Just give me 24 hours to come up with a brilliant idea to save our town.
Just 24 hours, that's all I ask.
No!
You'd do it for Randolph Scott.
All right, sheriff. 24 hours.
Next!
Qualifications?
Rape, murder, arson and rape.
You said rape twice.
I like rape.
Charming. Sign right here.
Take that badge.
Qualifications?
Arson, armed robbery, mayhem.
Wait a moment. What have you got in your mouth?
Nothing, eh? Lyle.
Gum!
Chewing gum on line, eh?
I hope you brought enough for everybody.
I didn't know there was going to be so many.
Boy, is he strict!
We've got to get in there close and find out what's happening.
There's our ticket!
Hey, boys!
Look what I've got there!
Hey, where are the white women at?
Man, that was pretty! I liked that.
Be ready to attack Rock Ridge at noon tomorrow. Here's your badge.
We don't need no stinkin' badges!
Next!
Qualifications?
Stampeding cattle.
That's not much of a crime.
Through the Vatican!
Kinky!
Why, Rhett, how many times have I told you...
...to wash up after weekly cross-burning?
See, it's coming off.
And now, for my next impression, Jesse Owens!
Catch them!
Hold up, men, we'll head them off at the pass!
Head them off at the pass? I hate that cliché!
Say, "hello. "
Hello.
Listen to me, and listen to me good.
I want you to get all the brothers together...
...round up all the lumber, canvas, paint and nails you can lay your hands on...
...and meet me tonight 3 miles due east of Rock Ridge at midnight.
You understand?
Say, "goodbye. "
Thanks a lot, brother.
All right, folks, I know you're a bit confused wondering what you're doing...
...out in the middle of the prairie in the middle of the night.
You bet your ass!
I'm hip.
Now, before the sun comes up...
...we're going to build on this sight an exact replica of the town of Rock Ridge.
Every building, every storefront, every rock and every tree...
...right down to the orange roof on Howard Johnson's outhouse.
I get it!
And tomorrow when Hedley Lamarr and his men come riding in...
...to destroy the real Rock Ridge...
...they'll actually be destroying the fake Rock Ridge!
But they'll think it's the real Rock Ridge!
But we'll know it's the fake Rock Ridge!
How're we going to do it? We don't have the time nor the people.
Wrong! There's why.
Who the hell are they?
Railroad workers. They've agreed to help us make our dream come true.
And all they ask in return is a little plot of land...
...they can call their own to homestead.
What do you say?
We'll give some land to the niggers and the chinks...
...but we don't want the Irish!
No deal.
Ah, prairie shit! Everybody!
Oh, Lord...
...do we have the strength to carry on this mighty task in one night?
Or are we just jerking off?
Okay, okay, we have done it. Now, let's see what we have done.
Men, you are about to embark on a great crusade...
...to stamp out runaway decency in the West.
Now you will only be risking your lives...
...whilst I will be risking an almost certain Academy Award nomination...
...for Best Supporting Actor.
Now raise your right hand for the pledge.
Right!
And repeat after me. I...
...your name...
Schmucks! ... pledge allegiance...
...pledge allegiance...
...to Hedley Lamarr...
...to Hedy Lamarr...
That's Hedley!
...that's Hedley...
...and to the evil...
...for which he stands!
Now go do that voodoo that you do so well!
Hold the happiness. We are in trouble.
Yep! We forgot one little detail.
Nothing is missing. Everything is here, down to the last hitching post.
People. There are no people.
Now don't panic. Don't panic.
We just made a perfect copy of Rock Ridge.
Now all we've got to do is make perfect copies of ourselves.
But they'll be here in half an hour.
Right, so we've got to start working fast.
You men start working on the dummies. Jim and Mongo, come with me.
I've got an idea that will slow them down to a crawl.
All right, let's go!
Yeah, that's nice.
Le Petomane Thruway! Now what will that asshole think of next?
Has anybody got a dime?
Somebody's got to go back and get a shit-load of dimes.
Hurry up. Speed it up or we're never going to get to Rock Ridge!
Come on, move them through!
Well, they're through the tollbooth.
Look at this, they're buying it!
All right, here we go. Hold your ears, folks!
It's show time!
Nothing!
What are we going to do?
Any minute now they're going to discover the town is fake and pull out!
You think you could squeeze off a little shot from here...
...and set off the dynamite down there?
I'll give it a try.
Oh, Lord, keep this man's eye keen...
...and may God grant...
It's a fake!
We've been suckered in!
Okay, folks, let's wipe them out!
Forgive me, Lord!
"Throw out your hands, stick out your tush.
"Hands on your hips, give them a push.
"You'll be surprised, you're doing the French Mistake. Voilà!"
All right, cut!
Wrong!
Just watch me. It's so simple!
You sissy Marys!
Give me the playback. And watch me, faggots!
Have you got it?
Yessssssss.
Sounds like steam escaping!
Action! Okay, wait until I get out.
Cut! What in the hell do you think you're doing here?
This is a closed set!
Piss on you! I'm working for Mel Brooks.
Not in the face!
Thank you.
They've hit Buddy! Come on, girls!
You vulgar shit!
Why, you miserable pansy!
I'm parked over by the commissary.
You brute, you brute, you vicious brute!
All right, all right...
How many days do you have left, Joey?
They lose me right after the bunker scene.
What the hell is that?
Get your pies for the great pie fight!
This is our Studio commissary where some Hollywood stars...
...come to eat. Keep in line.
And now we'll go to the Special Effects Department.
Yankee bean soup, cole slaw and tuna surprise.
Taxi!
Drive me off this picture!
You dropped your beads.
One, please.
Uh, student.
Are you kidding?
Pain in the ass.
Look, Herman, I'm in Hedy Lamarr's shoes!
Hedley!
Freeze it!
Okay, Lamarr, go for your gun.
Wait, wait, I'm unarmed.
All right, we'll settle it like men.
With our fists.
Sorry, I just remembered. I am armed.
How did he do such fantastic stunts with such little feet?
You shot the bad guy!
Well, what do you want to do now?
Come on, let's check out the end of the flick.
I sure hope there's a happy ending. I love a happy ending.
Sheriff, you can't go now. We need you.
My work here is done. I'm needed elsewhere now.
I'm needed wherever outlaws rule the West.
Wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets.
Wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity.
Wherever people cry out for justice.
Bullshit!
All right, you caught me.
To speak the plain truth, it's getting pretty damn dull around here.
Good luck, Bart, and God bless you.
'Bye, baby brother.
Keep the faith, brothers!
Where are you headed, cowboy?
Nowhere special.
I always wanted to go there.
Come on!
"He conquered fear and he conquered hate. "
"He turned our night into day. "
Edited By Tameem666